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| Audition |
 Title: Audition
Source/Author: Matthew Calhoun
Background: An actor carrying an umbrella, enters. HeÜ is anything but a leading man: perhaps he is bald, perhaps pudgy, perhaps very short, perhaps÷ something different. But not a leading man. He speaks forward to the audience, which represents the two or three people auditioning him.
Monologue: My resume. Oh, first I should mention that I could play any of the parts in this play. Any. I could play an ant, I could play Little Red Riding Hood, I could play Hamlet. Iíve never heard of this play, as a matter of fact. It doesnít matter. I can do opera, I can do commercials, I can sing soprano, I can do my own stunts- Iím that versatile. Leading man, leading lady, gay, ingenue- you name it, I can do it. Thatís how great I am. I see you looking over my resume. Noticing Iíve never had a part. Itís a real comment on this sick business weíre in, isnít it? An actor this good and heís blackballed! Why? For refusing to show up at auditions! Auditions are beneath me. I wipe my feet on them. People should be begging me to grace their theatres- producers should be asking me to audition them! But those egomaniacs who should bow and scrape before me - they have forced me to betray my principles and come to this audition.
So no, no, don't blame me for demeaning myself in this grotesque positionÖ Iíve waited ten years for them to come crawlingÖ but suffice it to say they were too wrapped up in their own insaneÖ trivium to get the hint. But enough of them. Letís get to the situation at hand. Youíre sitting there typecasting me as a leading man aren't you? Youíre thinking that because of my matinee idol glorious good looks, and rich, sensuous, sexy, seductive, fetching, effervescent, tingly and charming voice, I could only play a male lead. No, I tell you, no! Observe! An ant! (He crawls along the floor in a normal way.) And now, King Lear! I needn't mention, of course, that that was the fabulous storm scene, out on the heath. And now, Brutus, impaled on his own sword!
And hereís a homicidal lunatic: Give me the part or Iíll kill you! Iíll poke out the vile grape jelly of your eyes with the point of my umbrella! Iíve been waiting ten years for this! OK. All the parts. I should play all the parts in you little production. Capiche? Capiche. Note the mastery of the Spanish dialect. I do it all. Now, with that in mind, hereís myÖ (Abrupt pause)
What do you mean my timeís up? I havenít done my monologue yet! (Beat) What do you mean, next? Where do you get off saying next?! I memorized this thing! I took the subway here! I elbowed my way ahead of dozens of pushy actors and still had to wait a half hour to get in here! I wanna do my audition!
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Average Visitor Rating:
4.63 (out of 5)
Number of Ratings: 16 Votes
write a review
I think that this monologue is amazing. It got me the lead part in a comedy play. It has the ability to showcase the actors range by stressing comedic lines with serious overtones. It gave me the ability to be ME. You can come at this monologue in several different ways and many people can relate to the character in numerous ways.
03/18/2007 - Kenneth L. Gabriel Jr.
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